[Re-posted to satisfy the tidiness demand of my OCD! : ) ]
This morning it is very tempting to say, as I wash down my antibiotics, that I am having a good day. After all, I was out of bed before the older two got on the bus. I was in the kitchen in time to wish them a good day. I was able to find my son's precious Nintendo DS for him. I got breakfast for myself and the toddler and unloaded and loaded the dishwasher by 8 am. I took my pills on time. I could use the power of positive thinking and say, "Look at all I have accomplished. I am having a good day." I will ignore the fact that my husband went to bed without me last night. I will ignore the fact that I was awake most of the night. I will ignore the fact that I have been awake since 5:30 am after a very poor night's sleep.
Every morning, in that moment between asleep and awake, there is the briefest feeling of suspension. There is a moment of nothing before my body becomes aware that it is under attack. It takes a good hour, often longer, until my body recovers from this realization that all is not well. Every day, this happens anew. And this morning, it happened early enough that I recovered in time to move before breakfast. It's very tempting to say, "I am having a good day."
Of course, I have now learned that when this happens in a Lyme patient, it points to one of the coinfections. I think I mentioned it yesterday. The "tired, but wired" Babesiosis parasite.
Last year, when I became very ill - ill enough to take everything off my schedule, even church - I would occasionally bump into people I knew on a "good day" when I was rushing to get the grocery cart to the car before I crashed and lost the ability to push it. Everyone knew I was ill, but I absolutely could not stop trying to explain that I was out and about because it was a "good day." I felt desperate to let them know I wasn't "faking" to shirk responsibility and worship on Sunday morning. I was desperate to keep their good opinion of me. I was desperate to remain loved even though I had very little to give in return.
This has always been my problem. In quiet moments, I think it is the gist of every problem. We struggle. We do more than we ought. We strive to prove our worth. We are bitter when we fail. It's all a waste of talent and energy because love is free. It costs nothing. Perhaps, you've heard this before, but God waits for all of us. Ask and you shall receive.
Positive thinking never really worked for me anyway.
Survey: How often have you let yourself be loved with no obligation?
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